Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Religion pt 1.

The plain fact is religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having key decisions made by religious people - by irrationalists - by those who would steer the ship of state, not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken.

-Bill Maher

Its true. You know it and I know it, yet, somehow people all over the world throw away all common sense because of a book that was written by a bunch of geezers. Today I rant about religion. Namely the catholic church. Come on people, when you look at the bible how can you not ask yourselves the simplest of questions? “how can an old man build that big of a boat? If he did, where is it?” or better yet “why do all the symbols of Christianity look familiar? I could have sworn I saw them somewhere” and the answers are really simple. No an old man didn’t build that boat and the symbols are ripped off of other religions AND the one of the founders of this religion was a pagan until the church came knocking on his castle and he simply joined them and believed in what was “hip”. And people, please, just look at the bible for what it is. A book on being a good person. Don’t let the church tell you that to be happy you need to have blind faith in this being who, if is real, hasn’t done anything to prove he is real.

But I guess my real problem is with the zealots. The people who tell you straight up you are going to hell unless you pray to this dead guy on some wood. These are the people who really get on my nerves and make me want to kick puppies. And the best part is you can’t even reason with them, even with simple logic, for example: “Y’know, Jesus wasn’t the first. There was this Egyptian who was also born in December, had some followers and did some miracles” to which they reply “Jesus was here first, that kind of talk is the work of the devil!” then you could point out that Egyptian pharos came way before Jesus but they won’t have that. God! What is wrong with you over zealous pricks? I really like that one woman I forget her name, the god hates fags girl. Yea, she is fucked seven ways from Sunday. And not only is she fucked in the head but she also brainwashed her sons and daughters into believing that’s horse shit so now you got the crazy family taking the “word of the lord” way to seriously and giving assholes like me more ammo for my gun. I guess thank you crazy lady. And the Duggers, you know them, the family with their own hockey team. Last count was 18 kids and one grandchild right? I am sure they are nice people but whenever I hear them talk it is always about how god wanted them to have 18 kids. I am sure it has nothing to do with how the Vatican says condoms are bad and we shouldn’t use them. Oh don’t worry Vatican you are next, don’t you worry. Back to the Duggers. Eighteen kids?! Let’s leave god out of this, do you know how much resources a kid takes up? More diapers are filling our landfills and more laundry and bathing is taking more water away from us. You know, regular people with normal sized families. And let’s not forget that within most of our lifetimes your kids will be driving and pumping our skies with more pollution and taking away precious ozone. Didn’t think of that did you Mr Dugger? Next time throw on a jimmy hat.

Ok, Vatican, come into my office.

You are probably the world’s richest country yet you don’t pay your staff enough to stop touching little boys (may as well get that one out early) and yet the world’s best con men live in you. I am talking about the Catholic Church. Think about it, you must be one great sales man to get the majority of the world’s population to believe that this one guy cast some magic, died, came back to life and if we eat him and think his daddy is a swell guy we all get to live in this amazing place. I tip my hat to you.

How did you do it Church? Even a nine year old mentally challenged child could see what your passing off is complete bullshit. Hell! Even a leafs fan could see it. In fact I think another famous historical person took a lesson from you. The emperor from star wars. Use fear to your advantage. People fear death so you offer them this nice packaged story with a happy ending you call heaven and people eat that shit up and give you 10% of their yearly earnings. When good things happen in the world you claim we are being rewarded for our faith and when bad things happen then people weren’t faithful enough.

I leave this post with a quote and a promise to talk about this topic again. I am sure it will be after I watch another program where some crazy ass religious family goes ape shit.

"The Bible is not my book, and Christianity is not my religion. I could never give assent to the long, complicated statements of Christian dogma."

- A. Lincoln.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Parents. Yes, those ones. They raised us and gave us money and not to mention ground our asses when we were little shits. At least mine did, some kids out there, not so much. So for all those dastardly parents who were too afraid to spoil the child I dedicate this rant to you.

“Oh but my little Jimmy is the sweetest boy” I hear the parent sing, usually after their son was in the paper, killed because of gang violence. Guess what “mom” If little Jimmy was such an angel how did he piss off rival gang members? What’s that, you never knew Jimmy was in a gang? Oh my! This brings me to peeve number one. Not every kid is an angel. No matter how badly any parent wants them to be. Face the facts here people! Kids are human and are capable of becoming little shits and assholes just like you and me. It is ok. Just don’t have this image of your kid who is Johnny Every teen. Every other day I read the paper and some poor kid is dead because of drugs, gangs, or anything else you can think of and parents can’t realize that it may be their fault.

Which brings me to point number two. If your son or daughter is 12 and wants Grand Theft Auto, DON’T buy it for the little mistake. That goes for any other movie or video game that clearly states it is intended for humans over the age of 18, or you know, that little sticker that says “MATURE”. And if you do buy it for the waste of sperm please, PLEASE make sure they are at least a little emotionally stable. What do I mean? If your demon spawn is already talking about blood and gore or the killing of dozens at the tender age of….Oh I don’t know, any age under 18! Please refer to my suggestion of no buying it for them. The same goes for blaming movie studios or video game manufacturers about how they are creating games and moves that are horribly violent and full of gore. They make those games and movies for the people who can understand that they are not real and are just that. Fiction. Not for your soon to be killer child. So please, do everybody a favor and place the blame where it belongs. With you. You chose not to swallow and have a kid so don’t blame others for your mistake. The same goes for giving in to your bastard child wanting everything and you giving to them. I am sick and tired of walking into the mall and hearing the many cries and moans of children begging, even downright demanding things and the parents giving in to the cries. What does it teach them? Crying will get you whatever want? Sorry. In the real world that gets you shamed, called a pussy, or fired. Make sure the kid knows this.

Hey hey, I ended my last sentence like that so I can tie it into this one! If you are a person who is A. 17 or younger. B. Mentally unstable C. Think you would be the best parent because you would let your child swear or do whatever the hell they wanted. Then boy, do I have news for you. Use a dome. Or castrate yourself or hey, just get a blowy (because hey, head is great too!) Now, what was I on about? Oh right. Not having kids if you fell into one of those categories. Parents, by their nature, are supposed to be able to discipline their kid. I don’t mean beatings, but I was spanked as a kid and looking back I deserved it. Buy come on people! You can yell, ground, time out or if the need is there spank your spawn child. And nowadays the kids may be tempted to call children’s aid on your ass but fuck em. Let them call. Our system does not give you a bloody guide book when the kid is born so use your instinct for that one. But seriously, kids crave discipline and need it or else they wind up either a spoiled brat or defiant of you because you failed to project the alpha dog role early in childhood.

That’s all for now. Think upon my wisdom. Learn from it. And if I hear one more misplaced semen dump cry for attention I will personally find a pillow and request a few minutes alone. Out!

Monday, May 4, 2009


Alright jackasses. Listen up, I am only going to say this once (read as many times as it takes to get though your skull)

I don't care where you are from. Male, female, young or old. Black, pink, blue or orange. You suck at driving and get the hell off the road.

I can't drive to work in the morning without seeing a dozen people speed up and pass me just to get into the other lane so they can be third in line at a red light instead of fourth! Did I mention that you failed to use your signals. ya, that thing to the left that makes the green light flash.

Another thing, turning right at a red. Good.
Turning left at a right. Bad. Dangerous. See also, Letting the ambulance/Cop/Fire truck pass by pulling over to the right. Good. Slowing down in the left/keep driving. Bad.

And now, to EVERYBODY'S pet peeve. Your house is where you can eat and do your make-up. the 401 however, is where you drive. And not do 170 for no reason.

One more thing. Honking at me and flashing your lights will get the following result: My finger and me slowing you down with the hopes there is traffic in the other lane and you can't pass me. You jackass. The same result is for cutting me off.

Now, the piece de resistance!
If you are on the highway and you see traffic is backed up DO NOT!, once more, DO NOT zoom by me and the other cars on the right to where the third lane merges into the 2nd and try and sneak in there. Fuck you. You suck and that's just a douche way to drive. Go home.

So to recap:
Don't cut people off
Do let emergency services go by you
Don't be a douchebag.

Go sign up for driving lessons and let the people who know how to dive do it.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Its FOOTBALL not soccer!

Alright, you are a football jock and I am a soccer hooligan. But let's but those things aside and have a little talk.

You watch a game where a man in a protective suit carries an egg shaped ball down the field. I, on the other hand, watch a game were a group of men use their feet to kick a ball down a field. When your sport requires a person to use their feet, that person needs to be called in specially for that job then leaves the field.

How is that Football?! let's just call it what it is. hand egg. The ball looks like and egg and you use your hands. The end. Let the soccer community have football, like most of the world calls it.