Parents

Parents. Yes, those ones. They raised us and gave us money and not to mention ground our asses when we were little shits. At least mine did, some kids out there, not so much. So for all those dastardly parents who were too afraid to spoil the child I dedicate this rant to you.

“Oh but my little Jimmy is the sweetest boy” I hear the parent sing, usually after their son was in the paper, killed because of gang violence. Guess what “mom” If little Jimmy was such an angel how did he piss off rival gang members? What’s that, you never knew Jimmy was in a gang? Oh my! This brings me to peeve number one. Not every kid is an angel. No matter how badly any parent wants them to be. Face the facts here people! Kids are human and are capable of becoming little shits and assholes just like you and me. It is ok. Just don’t have this image of your kid who is Johnny Every teen. Every other day I read the paper and some poor kid is dead because of drugs, gangs, or anything else you can think of and parents can’t realize that it may be their fault.

Which brings me to point number two. If your son or daughter is 12 and wants Grand Theft Auto, DON’T buy it for the little mistake. That goes for any other movie or video game that clearly states it is intended for humans over the age of 18, or you know, that little sticker that says “MATURE”. And if you do buy it for the waste of sperm please, PLEASE make sure they are at least a little emotionally stable. What do I mean? If your demon spawn is already talking about blood and gore or the killing of dozens at the tender age of….Oh I don’t know, any age under 18! Please refer to my suggestion of no buying it for them. The same goes for blaming movie studios or video game manufacturers about how they are creating games and moves that are horribly violent and full of gore. They make those games and movies for the people who can understand that they are not real and are just that. Fiction. Not for your soon to be killer child. So please, do everybody a favor and place the blame where it belongs. With you. You chose not to swallow and have a kid so don’t blame others for your mistake. The same goes for giving in to your bastard child wanting everything and you giving to them. I am sick and tired of walking into the mall and hearing the many cries and moans of children begging, even downright demanding things and the parents giving in to the cries. What does it teach them? Crying will get you whatever want? Sorry. In the real world that gets you shamed, called a pussy, or fired. Make sure the kid knows this.

Hey hey, I ended my last sentence like that so I can tie it into this one! If you are a person who is A. 17 or younger. B. Mentally unstable C. Think you would be the best parent because you would let your child swear or do whatever the hell they wanted. Then boy, do I have news for you. Use a dome. Or castrate yourself or hey, just get a blowy (because hey, head is great too!) Now, what was I on about? Oh right. Not having kids if you fell into one of those categories. Parents, by their nature, are supposed to be able to discipline their kid. I don’t mean beatings, but I was spanked as a kid and looking back I deserved it. Buy come on people! You can yell, ground, time out or if the need is there spank your spawn child. And nowadays the kids may be tempted to call children’s aid on your ass but fuck em. Let them call. Our system does not give you a bloody guide book when the kid is born so use your instinct for that one. But seriously, kids crave discipline and need it or else they wind up either a spoiled brat or defiant of you because you failed to project the alpha dog role early in childhood.

That’s all for now. Think upon my wisdom. Learn from it. And if I hear one more misplaced semen dump cry for attention I will personally find a pillow and request a few minutes alone. Out!

Drivers.

Alright jackasses. Listen up, I am only going to say this once (read as many times as it takes to get though your skull)

I don't care where you are from. Male, female, young or old. Black, pink, blue or orange. You suck at driving and get the hell off the road.

I can't drive to work in the morning without seeing a dozen people speed up and pass me just to get into the other lane so they can be third in line at a red light instead of fourth! Did I mention that you failed to use your signals. ya, that thing to the left that makes the green light flash.

Another thing, turning right at a red. Good.
Turning left at a right. Bad. Dangerous. See also, Letting the ambulance/Cop/Fire truck pass by pulling over to the right. Good. Slowing down in the left/keep driving. Bad.

And now, to EVERYBODY'S pet peeve. Your house is where you can eat and do your make-up. the 401 however, is where you drive. And not do 170 for no reason.

One more thing. Honking at me and flashing your lights will get the following result: My finger and me slowing you down with the hopes there is traffic in the other lane and you can't pass me. You jackass. The same result is for cutting me off.

Now, the piece de resistance!
If you are on the highway and you see traffic is backed up DO NOT!, once more, DO NOT zoom by me and the other cars on the right to where the third lane merges into the 2nd and try and sneak in there. Fuck you. You suck and that's just a douche way to drive. Go home.

So to recap:
Don't cut people off
Do let emergency services go by you
DO USE SIGNALS
Don't be a douchebag.

Go sign up for driving lessons and let the people who know how to dive do it.

Its FOOTBALL not soccer!

Alright, you are a football jock and I am a soccer hooligan. But let's but those things aside and have a little talk.

You watch a game where a man in a protective suit carries an egg shaped ball down the field. I, on the other hand, watch a game were a group of men use their feet to kick a ball down a field. When your sport requires a person to use their feet, that person needs to be called in specially for that job then leaves the field.

How is that Football?! let's just call it what it is. hand egg. The ball looks like and egg and you use your hands. The end. Let the soccer community have football, like most of the world calls it.

Out!